Frontloading Relationships

From 40 years in public education, I’ve witnessed many fashionable programs come and go. But social/emotional learning (SEL) is not a program. It’s a process, a mindful way of relating to self and others. It’s not just for students, but for counselors, social workers, teachers, administrators, custodians, cafeteria staff, coaches and all who enter the school. We need an intentional way to take SEL from theory to practice and infuse it into the daily routine by modeling it for our students and our colleagues.

School counselors are the the epicenter of the school’s social/emotional energy system and the go-to person for almost everyone when issues and crises arise. The impact of our words and actions ripple through the school hallways and shift the energy one encounter at a time. Why not start the school year consciously modeling effective relationship practices?

Relationships are living, fluid entities that we can nurture and influence with integrity. The best time to create psychological safety and trust with others is at the very beginning of relationships. Fortunately, most of our school connections hit the reset button after summer vacation and have the potential for fresh starts.

I call this frontloading relationships.

We can do this with our students, our co-workers and even with the parents of our students. Every minute we spend frontloading our relationships comes back to us exponentially because we pave the way for the next level of trust.

Taking the time to listen to our students before they need guidance or to be talked down from a heightened, emotional drama allows us to know their stories. Asking questions and listening to discern their values, beliefs, and fears gifts us with a more complete picture of who they are. Their concerns, feelings, hopes, and dreams now float around them and are present in our awareness. When our eyes meet next, the connection has the potential to speak without words and see without judgment.

Time spent frontloading relationships will be paid back in full when you need to address concerning behaviors. So when a kid slams a door, flips a teacher off, or says something hurtful, you can use what you’ve developed with that student to quickly get to a deeper place where you’re dealing with the cause and not just reacting to the behavior.

By modeling compassionate interactions, we can help teachers relate to students with empathy as they learn to co-create solutions that go beyond labeling and blame. Then collaborative problem solving occurs on a table already set for progressing positively toward resolution as a team.

Frontloading relationships with students, colleagues and parents is a proactive, time-consuming, connection-building act of kindness. It gives an advantage that will serve you well throughout the school year.

Here are some practical ways to frontload your relationships at the start of the school year:

• Greet students in the morning as they enter the building. Your welcoming face can lift their spirits, set a tone for their day, and may lead a troubled child to your door.
• Make a schedule to visit all classrooms directly
  • Let students know who you are, what you do, and where they can find you.
  • Talk about the power of social/emotional learning and how it impacts their academic, social and personal success.
  • Inform them that you can connect them to important resources – they are not alone. There is always someone to help them manage difficult situations and overwhelming emotions
  • Lead a fun ice-breaker exercise so students learn about others in their classroom. When they learn about their classmates’ passions and challenges, it’s harder to objectify and marginalize them and easier to be compassionate and kind.
  • Invite new students to a curated lunch bunch to get to know other students and address their common anxieties, concerns and issues.
• Visit the tables in the cafeteria to say hello and observe the social interactions or isolation.
• Be visible, friendly and accessible in hallways between classes
• Build trust with teachers by scheduling individual meetings early on
  • Help them understand your role.
  • Let them know you are there for them when they need something.
  • Inform them that you are on their team; they don’t have to deal with difficult situations alone.
• Leave an encouraging handwritten note to a struggling student or colleague who needs a little tenderness. This will warm your heart twice – once when you thoughtfully write it, and again when you witness how much it means to them.
• Introduce yourself via the school newsletter so parents know your area of expertise and how to access you.
• Update your website with local resources, inspiring messages and links to trusted mental health websites.

Spending your precious time at the beginning of the year frontloading relationships can produce an elevated sense of accomplishment. I remember driving home some days fueled by joy after successfully connecting to a student (or colleague or parent) and helping them work through a painful experience. Frontloading relationships at the start of a school year allows us to build an optimum environment for education – both academic and social/emotional – to flourish. And your heart will too.

Robin Fox M.Ed., an SEL educator, meditator and professional improv actor, has worked in K–12 schools for over 40 years. She has produced an SEL curriculum, SocialEyes Together, www.social-eyes.org.